Yes, I meant...
Az őszinteségről akartam. Tócus blogja kapcsán döntésképtelenségre jutottam egy kérdésben, ami annyira sokrétű, hogy csak első pillantásra tűnik mindig egyértelműnek - hol az egyik, hol a másik oldalon.Oh, I never meant to cause you trouble, oh, i never meant to deal you wrong..No trouble. No need to feel any kind of.. anything in connection with this. "No need to feel the pain" I wanted to lock him. But I didn't. He had the keys. Or rather. He knew he could get everytime he wanted them. And I gave in the and - not having any other chances in that situation.
gyönyörű ez a dal. pedig annyira nem is. too-late chindhood - kind of
How can so.. so much unfortunate a dream. I want those lies - sometimes. I like hearing them. I like believing. I like dreaming. Like a girl, a girl of 15 years or some more. I liked the voice my grandma telling me those words. I liked hearing them! I needed them. I needed...
Why is reality so far away from dreams? from illusions? Why can't I just throw away these never-existed poems from my inner soul? Why don't I want to throw away them? 'Cause I could... I suppose..
No I never meant you deal you harm
Knowing, that feelings are just like drops of a rainy autumn on a leafe. Beautiful. Bit of pain. Bit of love. Bit of hope. Bit of desire and joy of expression. Bit of ruins of a dream, like a photograph. Nice. Kind. Mine. Beautiful.
...anyway. Not really mine. Or minde, somehow. But not in his reality. It' just a picture. A picture of something, something strange, and disunderstandable, and sometimes empty. Something sad, and not enough sad. Not sad in its virgin way, it should have been. I couldn't live throgh the dream.
The dream started just after it ended up after so much years. Why? There was a dream, making love with reality. A dream, which was aching, but real. A dream, whinch was full of deprivation, hopelessly, but always with some hope, some blink of eyes, some words from the one or from someone else inconnection with... And full of little or bigger other loves, other pains, other needs and other dreams, but it was whole. And it has to break into pieces before, and I couldn't catch it, because it was out of may control.
It was judged to be lost, and I knew it... I knew. I knew, 'cause I saw, I felt, I knew...
I knew, before he started to really hope, really wait, really fight, really want, really love. I couln't do anything like fear. Sometimes hope, keeping away facts. Just one more minute, one more hour, one more day, one more week with him.
Knowing it doesn't lead anywhere. Knowing it's NOT real. Anyway. The most perfect person to call illusion. Or a perfect illusion, that became so strong, that it can't be destroyed? Or it's only just an illusion, too. And I could do. Just a strong feeling, which I don't have to pay attention. It's not addiction. It's a too strong feeling of old, half-lied memories and desires, and lies (to make it more beautiful and extraordinary), and it's about someone really great, but just for me, and just 'cause I did it and him so giant. For self-estimate. For perfectness. For proudity. Partly match, partly made to match, partly form me (mayself) to match. And it's just my side.
I was so foul.. I did so much stuped things. But it wasn't the biggest problem. It was just a little part. Consequences. It wasn't the cause. Symptoms.. symptoms..symptoms... Why only me could see it?
Problems in the deep. Problems, that can't be solved. But your roots are still inside me. If I step through, I could accept to loose a dream. One of the biggest I ever had. A feeling to feel, a special desire for someone great (and lied much more greater) mixed pu with pain of loss, of considered(?) not being enough, or rather not being adequate..
nem ehetem, amit legjobban szeretek, mert allergiás vagyok rá <--> roppant finom a Raffaelló bevonata, de nem bírom a mandulát..and this feeling, this film kind of, this can't be whole with meeting or something like this, cause this type of love, this type of perfectness for ever d o e s n' t exist.
no. there is no web for me. or even if it exist. no matter if it does.
